Do not, under any circumstances, recite a sad, original poem.

A therapist with long hair and a white jacket is balancing a laptop on their laptop while writing.
A therapist with long hair and a white jacket is balancing a laptop on their laptop while writing.
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels
  • Begin every session by asking your therapist: “How are you?” If they respond with: “I’m fine!” repeat the question, but lean in closer. “No, really. How are you?” To which they’ll reply: “No one’s ever cared enough to ask!” and immediately burst into tears. This is good. Offer them the tissue box. You are well on your way to becoming their favorite.
  • Never wear the same thing twice. Your therapist’s favorite client is not an outfit repeater.
  • During therapy, you may find yourself gazing out the window, whispering that you “truly understand what it feels like to be Pagliacci the weeping clown.” Moments like these are unavoidable, but if you want to be your therapist’s favorite client, you must also demonstrate the ability to not be so goddamn weird. You can achieve this by highlighting more neurotypical events in your life. Discuss a recent job promotion, the fluctuations of the stock market, or show them pictures of a cute dog. I imagine these are things that normal people talk about. I don’t know. …


Kick out the former game show host from his position as leader of the free world.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Guillermo Ferla on Unsplash

A former Israeli space security chief has sent eyebrows shooting heavenward by saying that earthlings have been in contact with extraterrestrials from a “galactic federation.”

“The Unidentified Flying Objects have asked not to publish that they are here, humanity is not ready yet,” Haim Eshed, former head of Israel’s Defense Ministry’s space directorate, told Israel’s Yediot Aharonot newspaper.

- NBC News

  1. Kick out the former game show host from his position as leader of the free world.
  2. Shrink the global wealth gap between the rich and the poor through extensive redistribution efforts.
  3. Give Amy Adams an Oscar.
  4. Institute a total stoppage to the state-sponsored assassinations of thought leaders and revolutionaries. …

About

Dylan

Dylan is a writer and future dead body. His work can be found in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and others.

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